No More Heroes
Written by:Joanne W
Summary:A moment between Buffy and Xander leads to disaster.
My name is Buffy Anne Summers.
I have no one to call a friend.
I am alone.
I used to have friends. Really good friends who I knew I could count on for anything.
Friends I would trust with my life. Friends who would trust me with their lives.
Friends who I betrayed. Friends who I hurt.
My life was almost perfect a year ago. Even though Riley and I had broken up (him deciding to stay in Iowa), I still had the gang. They were there for me and that was all that counted.
Then *it* happened.
Some idiot evil doer had thought it would be funny to re-enact Ethan Rayne's Halloween stunt on the Scooby gang. Of course there were only three of us who were affected so his plan kinda bombed. When we got the guy, and as with Ethan's spell, everything went back to normal. Or so we thought. It turned out the guy had altered Ethan's original spell slightly, changing it so we became what we were last possessed by or something like that. And as it turned out in Xander's case what he had also been possessed with before. The Hyena.
Anya was the first to notice. She and Xander had been very much the happy couple over the summer after the whole ADAM thing. Xander, it seemed, had got over his commitment phobia and the two were even talking about possibly moving in together. So when Xander had begun to display the same traits as when the hyena had been in him before, Anya was the first to notice. Of course she didn't recognise it as possession but when she remarked to Giles about Xander's behaviour as of late, Giles took into account recent events and put two and two together.
Naturally when we had found a spell to exorcise the hyena spirit, Xander was nowhere to be found. So I went out looking for him and eventually found him prowling around one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries. He didn't take kindly to my trying to knock him out and launched himself at me. I struggled to get the upper hand and it took a while before I was finally able to assert my dominance. I managed to get a jump on him and pin him to the ground. After a couple of seconds he stopped struggling and locked his eyes on to mine.
I guess it was at this exact point my life began to go down the toilet.
The moment our eyes locked it was like everything around us stopped. The only thing I was aware of was the way he was looking at me. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to look at someone else with so much passion. So much raw passion. I remember hearing my breathing becoming heavier and hearing my heart thump quicker as I let him look at me like that. The way no one had looked at me before. Not Riley, not even Angel. No one had looked at me with so much lust. Or heat. Or want. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to stop the way it was making me feel. So I let him look at me like that. Let his eyes burn that passion right into me.
I don't know how long we stayed there. All I remember is when he suddenly seemed to switch off behind his eyes. All that raw emotion just vanished. His eyes glazed over and I felt his body go limp beneath me as he slid into unconsciousness.
Apparently when I failed to call Giles with a progress report, he and the others had come out looking for me. Seeing me pinning Xander to the ground, Giles had decided to perform the exorcism, as it were, right there and then. I hadn't even seen them arrive.
When Xander came round, well I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid to look at him at first, at least to look him in the eyes. I guess I thought that if I looked at him, that he'd still have that look in his eyes and I'd be drawn to it again.
But he didn't.
When I finally plucked up the courage to meet his eyes, all I saw was Xander. The Xander we all knew and loved. There was no hint of what I had seen before. Nothing. Not even an appreciative look in regards to my skimpy outfit. I knew I hadn't imagined what I'd seen in his eyes. *Nothing* that I could have imagined would have ever have made me feel like that. I didn't know what was going on.
Then at Giles' prompting Xander reluctantly told us he had remembered everything that had happened the last time the hyena had taken over and he apologised profusely to both Willow and I. But then he said that this time he had barely remembered a thing. A few little details, which he said even then, were kind of blurry.
Later I confronted Giles about the possibility that Xander could be lying, but Giles told me that in all likeliness he wasn't. Giles said that because of the different nature of the ways Xander had been possessed it was more than likely that the after effects would be different.
Taking in what Giles had said I decided that if Xander couldn't remember it happening, I could forget too.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I wanted to be looked at again like that. And not being... well it was eating me up inside.
Then it got worse. Go figure.
About a couple of months after *it* happened I saw that look again in Xander's eyes.
It was worse because it wasn't directed at me. It was directed at Anya.
It got worse because I realised that it hadn't been *Xander* who had even looked at me before, it had been the animal inside him. The animal magnifying whatever feelings for me Xander had long since put aside.
And it still ate me up inside.
So completely losing my grip on sanity, I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I found the guy, Lindon, who had possessed us those couple of months before and I made a deal with him. I wouldn't kill him and he would help me. Help me restore the hyena briefly to Xander.
So he did the spell. I went to Xander. And I used him. I got what I wanted and I left.
And stupid me, I thought that would be all it would take to fill the void.
But it didn't. And I kept doing it. The first few times we just looked at each other. I thought that was all I needed, but as the weeks moved on I wanted more. Gentle touches and kisses became more intimate. Intimate lead to loss of clothing. Loss of clothing led to sex.
All of this Xander never remembered. The possession only ever lasted a couple of hours at most. By which time I had already left. Whenever I saw Xander afterwards he just treated me the same as he always had. Like a friend. I began to hate myself, but I couldn't stop. The rush I got when I was with him like that... I didn't know what I would do if I had to give it up.
So I didn't. I carried on. I kept using him and reality began to slip further away.
Until one time it came back with a vengeance. I use that word because it was when Anya walked in on us.
I backed away from Xander when Anya went to him. She hit him a couple of times but he just stood there. The she looked at him in the eyes and turned to me. She asked me what I'd done to him. Somehow she knew Xander wasn't *Xander*. Then she turned on me. Xander just stood there. I let Anya get a few blows on me. I knew I deserved it. Then I pushed her away and ran for the stairs. Anya was quick and she caught me, grabbed hold of the sheet that was wrapped around me. Trying to get away I pushed her a little too hard and she fell.
Anya landed in an unconscious heap at the bottom of the stairs and I froze to the spot. 'Xander' looked at Anya then looked up at me. As if he wasn't quite sure what had happened. Then just as he knelt by Anya, the possession wore off and he collapsed unconscious too.
And I ran.
Apparently it was Willow who had found them about a day later. She thought there had been some kind of demon who had attacked them. When Xander woke up he couldn't say any different - he hadn't been able to remember anything due to the possession.
By then though Giles had found out about my deal with Lindon. Giles had run into him whilst out patrolling and, eager not to have his brains bashed in, Lindon told Giles what I'd been asking him to do. Giles hadn't known whether to believe him or not.
I made myself conspicuous by my absence, staying hidden the week Anya was unconscious. Giles had told Willow, who had then taken it upon herself, and being his oldest friend, to inform Xander.
By the time I got to the hospital, Anya had come round and told everyone that I'd pushed her and there had been something wrong with Xander. Giles and Willow confronted me and using a truth spell they got me to confess.
Giles then thought it best to inform me that Anya had been pregnant. That Xander had only found out a few days ago and had told only Giles. They were also going to get engaged. The fall had caused her to miscarry.
Xander chose that moment to walk out of Anya's hospital room. He looked at me with so much hate. I went to speak to him. To tell him I never knew this was going to happen, but he just pushed me away.
I looked in his eyes and I knew I wasn't his hero anymore. I wasn't anything.
I'd destroyed one of my best friend's lives. I couldn't believe I'd let something obsess me so much that I'd stoop so low as to do what I did.
I hated myself. And I ran again.
Willow and Giles told my mother what had happened when it became clear I wasn't coming back. I've only spoken to her once since then. She told me she pitied me, that the people who I called friends never mentioned me anymore, that Xander and Anya were slowly put their lives back together. She told me that if I were to come back that nothing would be the same and that it was best that I stay away.
So I did. I never came back to Sunnydale. I may be the Slayer but I have no place there anymore. Evil for me to slay exists everywhere.
I just never expected it to exist in me.
*~* END *~*
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