Bitch Archives


Tanya
OK, it's gloves off time as far as Olivia is concerned. That woman has such severe breathing problems, she needs an iron lung. She has the worst British accent I've ever heard on an American show - and that's going some considering she IS British. And as for her supposedly kicking the alcohol habit, I personally don't believe it. She's always slurring her lines and waving her arms around indiscriminately. Why Bette is always bailing her out I cannot understand. What has she ever done for Bette? Poor Bette should get a man and dump her so-called Best Friend. She should have a quick fling with AJ - just to annoy Livvie, but not for long because I wouldn't wish him on anyone I really liked. Then Bette should have a hot affair with some young cast member. (Bring back Leo!). Meanwhile, in a new twist to the murder plot, Olivia should be found dead with her head down a toilet. All physical evidence (!) at the scene leads to... Francesca. She pees! She lives!!

Alice
What the hell do they do to that docile creature Trey? I've never seen such a docile baby, he has a perpetual vacant air about him. I reckon the poor kid must be doped up to his eyeballs, either that or like his other 2 siblings, the poor kid is brain dead although infinitely cuter than the ugly Spawn. I too would be interested to know if Rosa has any sort of life.

Maxine
Hank & Joan have to be the most irritating, incidental characters ever to hit the small screen. Can Hank possibly get anymore repetitive? Why doesn't Smeg just tell him to but the hell out? In fact the entire Cummings family are all pains in the arse, Sara is hideous & could do with a makeover & as for Bungalow - well get a personality. Why on earth does Smeg rush to him everytime she lingers unobserved to minsinterpret a shared moment between Ben & Maria or when the awful Benjy yells that he wants his mommy. Meg is so long suffering & tedious with it. Ben should go back to Maria.

merlin
Although I must admit, sunset beach could be just about the best thing to watch to teach you to act, It is not for the reason you would think of first. When young wannabe actors watch sunset beach they will instantly know how not to act if you want to succeed in the industry. I have never seen such appaling acting or scriptwriting in my life! And the characters are all idiots! You could have a sex change and they would never notice they're so dim! The only decent character in the whole thing is Annie. I'm not saying she can act, but what would we watch the whole ridiculous thing for if she wasn't in it?

Al
Yeah what is the deal with Meg, she is so peeved at maria and her demon child staying that Ben gets her a new set of tits as a consolation prize for not getting to got to Venice!! Have you seen 'em?? Casey won't have to save her from drowning any more, she could float around happily for days on those airbags!!! Maybe Gobby should get in on the act, I'm sick of her ironing board style excuse for a chest - go stick it in someone elses face Gobby!

AL
Okay, just who spawned the devil's child Benji?? Maria and Ben need to be neutered before they can inadvertantly cause any more harm to an unsuspecting world by procreating once more! The child grates on my nerves worse than a nail down a blackboard, with his constant wails of "Daddy,Daddy, where's mommy?" Someone needs to give that kid a good haircut AND a boot in the face, either that or he can hook up with Bridget out of " The Bold and the Beautiful" and they can single-handedly recreate the village of the damned.
Other bitches have to be Madwoman Carmen and the way she is alway saying "Gobby", and what is it with 'Gobby' and her need to speak Spanish whenever the evil witch is within earshot??? There is definately some sort of equal opportunities thang going on in the writing dept. Also why does Ricardo get such a bum wrap, he does nothing but protect and serve those who do not deserve it and he's the one who is constantly criticised and hounded (he also never eats or sleeps, I note)
What do the nuns do all day, is there a convent school to keep them occupied or do they just wander about in full make-up telling Antonio that he has a phone call?? who feeds Spike the dog? And does Rose have a home or a sex life coz she always seems to be at the Richards' "putting Trey down" (God I wish someone would!).
Erm....let me see what else.......oh yeah...what is going on with Michael and Vanessa,; firstly what does she see in the retard and also why did he still leave her when he knew that nothing was her fault but an evil plan instead? Surely he knew that if he bided his time too much then Tyus would jump her bones????
Suggestions I have are that Ricardo and Antonio should find out that they have a long lost brother who will be played by Ricky Martin and whose father will be none other than Hank the plank (or someone) he can then become an international singing sensation by showcasing his efforts in the waffle shop before his life is cut short by a fatal bungee jumping incident in Nepal whilst on a world tour. What d'ya think?????

Tanya
Did Thickardo look rough or what this week? That mussed up hair look just does not suit him, nor the gummed together eyes and goldfish mouth movements. If Gobbi has to marry him it will serve her right. Could anyone else believe that she was snowed in at a cabin with Father Fit and DIDN'T jump him? She has no gumption at all. She didn't even slap Carmen back when she had the chance - just burst into tears (I didn't know stick insects could cry). Wake up Father Fit and go for someone with a bit of class, like Annie!

Amanda
Oh how I loved it when Carmen slapped Gabby the stick-insect! Could we have more and more of this please! I'd personally like to see the scrawny cow beaten black and blue, preferably with a baseball bat!! Way to go, Carmen!

Kate
Yes, bokey Benjy has obviously been told to PROJECT by his voice coach which the little worm interprets as SHOUT. Yes Meg has a large rear end, it's to compensate for her small brain. Has anyone noticed how she calls Ben "Bin"? Is this a subtle way of getting back at him for making her put up with his ex-wife, his child and her nanny? This show is chronically formulaic. We could have "What happens next" competitions but they'd be too easy. For example:
1) Ben is having a laugh with Maria. What happens next?
a) Maria says "That was a good laugh, lets get a pizza in"
b) Carmen comes round for Sunday lunch
c) Meg appears and stands unseen and observing, long enough for the camera to get a good shot of her "stricken" face and the music to do that twinkly thing before we cut to the next scene.
Tricky, eh?

Queen Bitch
Yippee, whole episodes this week without Casey and Sara No-Lips, although we did have to put up with them in a jacuzzi - Nurse, the screens! Thickardo got shot in the Java Web (ouch, sounds painful) but unfortunately it looks like we haven't got shot of Thickardo but instead had to endure lots of shots of him in a shower cap with the most cringe inducing expression on his face. Hello, dear, you're supposed to be unconscious, you can stop "acting". Please please tell me that Gabi's "nightmare-that-Thickardo-finds-out-and-tells-them-where-to-go" was just the cast having a laugh. Please. No, thought not. We also saw a great moment of "bang manfully on the door and get a hollow cardboard sound as well" Watch that scenery shake! Absolutely priceless!
We also had another "This isn't soap opera, this is Sunset Beach" moments as well. Wow, post-modern or what!
And what a week for bokey Benjy as well, everytime he winds up Smeg she just looks as if she wants to batter him. Why can't we have a fantasy where Smeg shows her true feelings about that little heap of vomitus. What a truly execrable child. I think they bred him in a lab somewhere, no?
Gabi and Antonio, please tell Ricardo, anything to get this tedious storyline over with. Please Antonio stop leading Gobby on with wittering on about "hiding our true feelings" and all that guff, in one breath and "I'm commited to the priesthood" in another. Much as I adore our Father Fit, there is absolutely no chemistry between him and Gobby, or maybe I've just lost interest now there's no chance of seeing him without his kit on again.

PS - that's a serious mascara overload on Olivia and Meg - it looks bloody awful!

Belle
Funnily enough Gabi and caitlin were trained by the same acting coach, I read it on a website somewhere! Meg has most definitely either had a boob job or is wearing Janet Reger curves. I veer between hating Gabi and just accepting her for the slighlty bizarre creaure she is. Carmen is a nosey cow, but i really dig Meg and Maria's cat-fights - at last, the two goody two shoes being mean!

Leila
Oh! where do i start? scabby gabby. thickardo, bombo, himbo theres endless names for the stuoid and inane characters that come on. where on earth do they find them, or do they just cut them out of cardboard? whats with the wierd and wacky storylines ? is it just me or is there something seriuosly wrong with the way that maria popped out and ruined smeg and ben's life, and then theres the nasty little shit , who is definetly beats Shawn in the spawn title. i am sick of all this i need dome real excitment so i'm off.

Pol
What is it with Brad and those white socks??!!? Also, if Amy is supposed to be bankrupt then how come she can afford to wear a different outfit everyday?? Don't tell me she's borrowing off Bette and Olivia because even Amy doesn't dress that badly!!!

MIND YO OWN BUSINEZZ
HOW COULD EVEN THINK OF COMPARING MEG WITH OLIVIA THE QUEEN OF SB. OLIVIA HAS STYLE, BEAUTY, ELEGANCE AND DIGNITY. MEG WOULDN'T KNOW THESE QUALITIES IF THEY JUMPED UP AND BIT HER IN HER COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CELLULITE!!

Bitch
All of you who love meg have to be the saddest. She's always jealous of ben and maria even when they're just laughing together. Her dad should just getta life. Why was francesca killed off? She was the best along with Annie. cole better sort himself out and gel his hair again. Speaking of Cole I saw him in an episode of Sabrina the teenage witch and even then he's hair wasn't gelled.GET IT SORTED!

Kirsty and Emma
BRING BACK FRANCESCA - She was by far the coolest character ever! We hate Meg, she deserves all that bad luck for being so dumb. Why does Ben recently have to put his leg on the nearest table while talking to either Meg or Maria? - we find this a bit strange. What is Clean Cut Casey's problem with lies, he's sickeningly perfect (apart from his love for Meg). We hate Hank and Joan - can't they see they don't even have real parts?
Long live Antonio, Olivia, The ghost of Francesca, Annie (and her fantasies!), Carmen, Amy and Maria.

Tanya
Madame Carmen should just jangle off to hell with her crystal ball and her useless packs of cards. If she's so infallible, how come she can't work out that darling Antonio has the hots for no-flab Gab (even Dumbo Maria managed that one). And what is it with that "Eeeohh" and "Iiihoo" stuff she's always spouting? She even set Gabby off talking the same gibberish during their run-in last week. Carmen deserves a good slapping, but sadly the wimpy gabby hasn't got the strength in her stick insect arms to do the job properly. I nominate Annie for the task - she's had enough practise slapping Meg, Olivia etc.

Queen Bitch
Well, stroppy Smeg really excelled herself this week.Her new Hairdo for a start. She is seriously rivalling Bin and Gabi in the "haven't washed it for weeks" look. Tying up in funny little knobbly knots is not a good look. It has to be the worst hair on SB, which is saying something with Bokey Benjy and Stringbean "I've got no lips" Sara also in the running. Then there's her "Wholesome Hayseed" number. Puhleese. Just accept it girl, Maria is moving in whether you like it or not!

Get Rid Of Gab campaigner
It's no good, I've just got to say it - there's something really comical about the "romance" between Antonio and Gabby. I just can't think of her as a woman!! I agree wholeheartedly with the person who said she looks like a genetic experiment gone wrong, judging by her titless body, hairy arms and thoroughly unfeminine appearance the person who conducted the experiment wasn't sure what gender he wanted his subject to be!!! Have the people who make the show just got a big sense of humour, pairing the most handsome man in the show up with this absurd little creature or do they really expect us to take it seriously? Poor Antonio, he deserves a really beautiful womanly type of woman,not a grotesque oddity like this. It's not even as though she's got a nice personality or anything, she's a really malevolent, horrible person. I hope she ends up at the bottom of the sea, preferably sooner rather than later.

NONE OF YO BUSINEZZ
TO ALL OF YOU MEG AND OLIVIA BASHERS. YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT THESE TWO WOMEN OUR THE BEST ON SB. MEG IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. BOTH BEN AND HER MAKE THE COUPLE OF THE CENTURY. OLIVIA IS ALWAYS AS BEAUTIFUL AS ANYONE ON THAT SHOW COULD BE (BESIDES MEG). SHE'S LIVING OUT THE TRUE MEANING OF ETERNAL YOUTH. SHE'S THE BEST LOOKING MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN IN THE SOAP WORLD TODAY.(NOT ERICA KANE/MONTGOMERY/MARRICK ETC.....GREGORY NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT OLIVIA IS AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS!!!!

Antonios 2nd secret lover
Why oh why did they kill francesca off? They can at least bring her back to do some quirky storyline and let her haunt gabby (possibly even let them swap and gabby can piss off to hell) or if not then hypnotise thicardo into hacking her to pieces. He'll get over it, not that she'd need much getting over coz shes a breast inverted spawn of... wait, where is she spawned from... or what? Oh, and does anyone else think that Benjy (hack hack) is spawn of Derek? Oh joy, another crazy axe murderer to brighten up our lives!

Becky
Sarah is the bitchiest of all Casey is sooo nice to her but she won't tell dim tim where to go. And what is it with the sunset beach make up, exactly how much mascara? They should sack their make-up artist. Apart from the major bitches in it, rubbish acting and well I have to admit it slightly surreal story lines I lurve the show!


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