Ode One
Oh Gabi you are rather rank
Ricardo, he is really pap
Oh Sarah, Sarah you are so pooh
And Maria, oh Maria, what thunderous thighs
Oh Meg, oh Meg, you pretend to be
Madame Carmen I salute you
Father Antonio, what on earth is wrong?
Oh Caitlin, Caitlin what have you done?
Oh Michael your teeth - so big and bright!
And lastly Ben, why do you wear
FIN
Ode Two
Oh Gregory, are you really dead? Floating upside down on the sea bed?
Or are you alive, just hiding out,
Oh Kaitlin, there's something really wrong,
Let's face it, Tim, you just can't kiss,
Greasy Gabbi, what did you do,
Carmen, you perv, always watching that vid!
Ricardo, you're so very thick
Oh Amy, Jesus Christ above!
Dear Benjy, God I wish you dead,
Frumpy Maria, the clothes you wear!
Oh Sarah there's something you don't know,
FIN
Your body's short and very lank.
Your eyes are big with a vacant stare
And look at the state of your oily hair!
With investigative skills that are really crap!
He can't even deduce that his brother the priest
Is having it off with that boobless beast.
And Casey prefers Meg to you!
Your face is sour, not soft like a petal
You look like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.
You desperately try to disguise!
But when you're wearing your grubby jeans
Your tubby thighs are a sight to be seen.
As nice as pie when in reality
You're just a selfish little cow
With funny tadpole-shaped eyebrows!
For you also think that Gabi is pooh.
Though I dislike your accent and you can't say names
You'll expose Gabi and her naughty games.
Have you got your beer goggles on?
'Cos you must be drunk if you fancy
That rancid little gnome called Gabi.
Lied about your baby, and Cole's shagged your mum!
You're a lying bag of piss and you always cry
So now you've been left all on your own to die!
They shine like a beacon and reflect the light!
Don't need a lighthouse when you're around
Stick you on a cliff so ships don't run aground.
All that black, I do despair!
You swagger along like a mouldy John Wayne
And your greasy hair drives me insane.
In case Ricardo finds out you?
I wouldn't worry yourself too much,
Ricardo doesn't have the touch,
When it comes to solving simple stuff,
You can count on Thicardo to muff it up!
With hanging around with your dad so long.
You're far too close, it's plain to see.
by the way you say 'I love you, daddy'.
You babble on about your mum's kid Trey,
dragging him round in your arms all day.
You're mind has gone, you're clearly mad,
and if you died tomorrow we'd all be glad.
Poor Tess is well aware of this,
As your blubbery lips puckered up for the job...
You slobbered and dribbled all over her gob.
Antonio, why did you go and fetch
that boobless, greasy little wretch,
with a scrawny body and hairy arms,
plus a distinct lack of ample charms?
Why did you sin with the only one,
with all the allure of a dead pig's bum?
Annie, Franchesca - even Aunt Bette would do!
But you go and choose, that rancid pooh.
to make Father Antonio fancy you?
I don't understand it, and I want to know why!
'Cos you're so ugly, you'd make an onion cry!
Of Gabbi having it off with your very own kid!
You're always watching it day and night
I'm sorry, dear, but it doesn't seem right.
And when the video's not around,
Never fear, for you have found
that you can make a black and white pic,
Of your very own son, dipping his wick.
And when Antonio found out you'd seen,
the sordid events on your TV screen,
he stole the pics and the seedy vid,
So noone would know the things he did.
You bumble about getting on my wick,
I've never seen you solve a crime,
cos you pfaff about all of the time.
And now you've got your Gabbi back,
Prepare to have a heart attack,
Cos that greasy imp with the boyish bod,
Has been fishing with your Brother's rod.
300 hundred dollars for a potion of love!?
Just so you can sleep with Shaun the leech?
The ugliest man in Sunset Beach!?
Come on, Amy, it's plain to see
That you're not really very ugly,
So why would you want to burn your wad,
On a man who looks like a burglar's dog?
for something to fall on your ugly head
To kill you off once and for all
So I don't have hear your kiddy drawl...
'Weirs my marmy?' your pouty lips say,
"Ecasping from you!", I'd probably say.
They hate your guts, they think you're crud
And you look just like a mouldy spud.
Are really mum-sy beyond compare!
Now you have that little brat,
You're looking round and rather fat
Do you plan to attract old greasy Ben,
with clothes that belong on a librarian?
With knee length skirts and fitted tops,
Have you been visiting charity shops?
A secret that'll fill your heart with woe
For the man you love, that lifeguard dreg
Is in love with whingy Meg.
And you supect something's going on,
'Cos when you and Casey try to get it on...
you can never kiss or 'do the do'
'Cos Meg always walks in on you!