Ode One

Oh Gabi you are rather rank
Your body's short and very lank.
Your eyes are big with a vacant stare
And look at the state of your oily hair!

Ricardo, he is really pap
With investigative skills that are really crap!
He can't even deduce that his brother the priest
Is having it off with that boobless beast.

Oh Sarah, Sarah you are so pooh
And Casey prefers Meg to you!
Your face is sour, not soft like a petal
You look like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.

And Maria, oh Maria, what thunderous thighs
You desperately try to disguise!
But when you're wearing your grubby jeans
Your tubby thighs are a sight to be seen.

Oh Meg, oh Meg, you pretend to be
As nice as pie when in reality
You're just a selfish little cow
With funny tadpole-shaped eyebrows!

Madame Carmen I salute you
For you also think that Gabi is pooh.
Though I dislike your accent and you can't say names
You'll expose Gabi and her naughty games.

Father Antonio, what on earth is wrong?
Have you got your beer goggles on?
'Cos you must be drunk if you fancy
That rancid little gnome called Gabi.

Oh Caitlin, Caitlin what have you done?
Lied about your baby, and Cole's shagged your mum!
You're a lying bag of piss and you always cry
So now you've been left all on your own to die!

Oh Michael your teeth - so big and bright!
They shine like a beacon and reflect the light!
Don't need a lighthouse when you're around
Stick you on a cliff so ships don't run aground.

And lastly Ben, why do you wear
All that black, I do despair!
You swagger along like a mouldy John Wayne
And your greasy hair drives me insane.


Ode Two

Oh Gregory, are you really dead? Floating upside down on the sea bed? Or are you alive, just hiding out,
In case Ricardo finds out you?
I wouldn't worry yourself too much,
Ricardo doesn't have the touch,
When it comes to solving simple stuff,
You can count on Thicardo to muff it up!

Oh Kaitlin, there's something really wrong,
With hanging around with your dad so long.
You're far too close, it's plain to see.
by the way you say 'I love you, daddy'.
You babble on about your mum's kid Trey,
dragging him round in your arms all day.
You're mind has gone, you're clearly mad,
and if you died tomorrow we'd all be glad.

Let's face it, Tim, you just can't kiss,
Poor Tess is well aware of this,
As your blubbery lips puckered up for the job...
You slobbered and dribbled all over her gob.
Antonio, why did you go and fetch
that boobless, greasy little wretch,
with a scrawny body and hairy arms,
plus a distinct lack of ample charms?
Why did you sin with the only one,
with all the allure of a dead pig's bum?
Annie, Franchesca - even Aunt Bette would do!
But you go and choose, that rancid pooh.

Greasy Gabbi, what did you do,
to make Father Antonio fancy you?
I don't understand it, and I want to know why!
'Cos you're so ugly, you'd make an onion cry!

Carmen, you perv, always watching that vid!
Of Gabbi having it off with your very own kid!
You're always watching it day and night
I'm sorry, dear, but it doesn't seem right.
And when the video's not around,
Never fear, for you have found
that you can make a black and white pic,
Of your very own son, dipping his wick.
And when Antonio found out you'd seen,
the sordid events on your TV screen,
he stole the pics and the seedy vid,
So noone would know the things he did.

Ricardo, you're so very thick
You bumble about getting on my wick,
I've never seen you solve a crime,
cos you pfaff about all of the time.
And now you've got your Gabbi back,
Prepare to have a heart attack,
Cos that greasy imp with the boyish bod,
Has been fishing with your Brother's rod.

Oh Amy, Jesus Christ above!
300 hundred dollars for a potion of love!?
Just so you can sleep with Shaun the leech?
The ugliest man in Sunset Beach!?
Come on, Amy, it's plain to see
That you're not really very ugly,
So why would you want to burn your wad,
On a man who looks like a burglar's dog?

Dear Benjy, God I wish you dead,
for something to fall on your ugly head
To kill you off once and for all
So I don't have hear your kiddy drawl...
'Weirs my marmy?' your pouty lips say,
"Ecasping from you!", I'd probably say.
They hate your guts, they think you're crud
And you look just like a mouldy spud.

Frumpy Maria, the clothes you wear!
Are really mum-sy beyond compare!
Now you have that little brat,
You're looking round and rather fat
Do you plan to attract old greasy Ben,
with clothes that belong on a librarian?
With knee length skirts and fitted tops,
Have you been visiting charity shops?

Oh Sarah there's something you don't know,
A secret that'll fill your heart with woe
For the man you love, that lifeguard dreg
Is in love with whingy Meg.
And you supect something's going on,
'Cos when you and Casey try to get it on...
you can never kiss or 'do the do'
'Cos Meg always walks in on you!


by   Anna   Larke

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